I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
