Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
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