i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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