i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
