You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
