I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
