and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
