look no pants
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
well you can't waste a boner
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
