My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
