Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
