he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
