I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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