Nicole vs. Life
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
