i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
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