I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
