I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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