just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
