Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
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