i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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