I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
