Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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