god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
