The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
