got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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