So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize