All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
