Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
