I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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