Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
sarcasm needs its own font
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
