There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
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