I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
