Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
