I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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