im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
