Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Randomize
