i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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