I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
