i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize