Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
