No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
