Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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