Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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