Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
