Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
