u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
