I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
