Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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