guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
