My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
