Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Randomize
