Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
