I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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