saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I supernannyed him into submission
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
