He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
