idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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