You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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