What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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