By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
