I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
