When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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