What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
